Aragorn's Inbox
by Gonzai
Rated PG: suggestiveness
Content: Humor
Disclaimer: Just borrowing them for a few minutes for a laugh. I’ll have them back in a jiff.
Notes: Inspired by the discussion on HA of Klose’s ‘Galadriel’s Inbox’ – which I never actually got around to reading. But it did
occur to me that Aragorn’s e-mail would be at least as interesting as Galadriel’s. BTW – I believe the well-appointed Ranger would be carrying a PDA these days. He travels light when hunting orc.
TO: Aragorn@lastminuterangers.com
FROM: GandalfGreyhame@istarirus.org
SUBJ: The Ringbearer
I do hate to trouble you, but this is a matter of great importance! Please make haste to Bree and pick up – I mean, meet - the Ringbearer at the Prancing Pony and escort him to Rivendell. I have been…delayed.
***
FROM: bbutterbur@prancingpony.com
SUBJ: Room occupancy
Now I don’t mean to be inhospitable, being as you are quite the regular customer and all, but your registration for September 29, 3018 clearly states the room was for one occupant only. I am informed you in fact had four hobbits staying with you. Your personal taste is none of my business of course, and I’d be willing to count each hobbit as half, but at the very least I believe you owe me for an additional two occupants of the room. Please send two coins to my attention, soonest.
***
TO: Longshanks@texasrangers.com
FROM: SamwiseGamgee@BagshotRowGardenersUnion.org
SUBJ: Where are we going?
I don’t trust you! Not at all! Not one bit! I don’t care if Frodo likes you, you seem more than foul enough to me! Dragging us through marshes and letting that elf have Frodo…oh, when I tell my Gaffer about this…
***
TO: Estel@elvishmengonewild.com
FROM: aaoivlkpfilkaj@junkmail.com
SUBJECT: ADD 2-3 INCHES OVERNIGHT! DRIVE SHE-ELVES WILD!
***
TO: Aragorn@swordfightersltd.net
FROM: RingwraithNo3@Mordorsshadow.org
SUBJ: Take it easy!
Hey! Watch it with the flames already. I agreed I’d let you look good for your little hobbit pals, but that hurt! No more fire, that’s it. And you owe me extra for the burn cream.
***
TO: Elessar@FutureKingsofGondor.org
FROM: Arwen@Evenstardistributors.net
SUBJ: I’m telling Daddy
I saw you with those hobbits! I’m telling my father! All those sweet words, and all this time, you’ve been cheating on me…with halflings!
I’ll rescue the Ringbearer from the Ringwraiths, but only because * Mithrandir * thinks it’s important. If I had my way, I’d leave you and your little furry boyfriends out there for the Nazgul!
***
FROM: LordElrond@MrSmith.net
SUBJ: 8 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter
You already know perfectly well how I feel about your dating my beloved, * only * daughter, and now I am told you not only are you stepping out on her…but with HOBBITS? Have you no shame whatsoever? If you ever so much as glance at another hobbit, or any other creature, I’ll thin your Numenorean blood!
***
TO: SonofArathorn@scruffiness.net
FROM: Legolas@impossiblyperfecthair.com
SUBJ:Can this be true?
I have heard tales, many tales, of you and hobbits. Please tell me this is false? Were all my meaningful glances nothing to you?
***
TO: Estel@Rivendellrefugees.org
FROM: editor-kjh@hotmail.com
SUBJ: Earn your diploma without ever attending a class!
***
FROM: boromir@stewardsofgondor.org
SUBJ: Let’s Get One Thing Straight
I don’t care whose heir you are! I am the heir to the stewardship of Gondor, I’m the one who lives there, I’m the one who will be in charge there, I don’t see any crown on your head yet, and until then it’s my kingdom, got it? Mine! And the younger hobbits are mine too! (Be my guest with Frodo)
***
TO: Boromir (boromir@stewardsofgondor.org); Elrond (LordElrond@MrSmith.net); Samwise Gamgee (SamwiseGamgee@BagshotRowGardenersUnion.org); Gandalf (GandalfGreyhame@istarirus.org); Barliman (bbutterbur@prancingpony.com); Generic Nazgul (RingwraithNo3@Mordorsshadow.org); Arwen (Arwen@Evenstardistributors.net); Legolas (Legolas@impossiblyperfecthair.com)
FROM: Aragorn@sonofarathorn.net
SUBJ: These Stupid Rumors
Let’s get one thing straight here, shall we? I AM NOT DATING ANY HOBBIT. Sheesh, people, I have a destiny to fulfill! I was meant to escort the Ringbearer to Mordor and that’s it! Nothing else. NOTHING. I don’t even like hairy little men! Have you seen my girlfriend? (Sorry my darling chipmunk cheeks, btw, love the lavender gown, have I told you you’re beautiful?) Why would I mess around with a hobbit? There is absolutely nothing going on, except the task that was given me by the Council, to protect the Ringbearer. Some people just have to spread rumors. Unbelievable…
***
TO: Aragorn@heroesinajiffy.com
FROM: Frodo@themeyes.com
SUBJ: Re: These Stupid Rumors
But…you told me you’d go with me into the very depths of Mordor! Do you mean to tell me our whole time together was a lie? Be that way then. I’m telling Sam. He’ll understand.
©copyright 2000 Gonzai